Wednesday, January 18, 2017

A Tension Please

Last night, I was sitting there minding my own beeswax when I sneezed violently and was almost immediately hit with the most intense, sudden, throbbing headache I have ever experienced.  On a scale of 1-10, it was an 8.  I rarely go above a 7.  My mother, who is a nurse, basically drilled it into me that you're never a 10.  This has served me well.  Nurses take you more seriously if you don't start out at a 10 pain level.  Also, quick sidebar - whenever a nurse takes a medical history from me, she eyeballs me and asks if I'm a nurse.  I explain that I'm not, but that Mom is.  They say she trained me well because I always give good, accurate information - especially regarding medications and dosages.

But I digress.  I had this monster fucking headache that was making me break out in a cold sweat and question my mortality.

I literally thought to myself, "So this is how I die".

Within about three minutes, it was manageable, and I consulted Dr. Google, who made it seem really unlikely that I was in imminent danger of dying.  I took some meds, went to lie down.  Matt did some more research and said his second opinion was that I was also not in danger of dying.

This morning, I woke up from a stressful dream with the same screaming headache and so I decided to let a real doctor weigh in.  I went to my favorite Urgent Care center.  Favorite because nobody seems to know it exists but me, it's staffed with all former ER docs, and while every other one in the area opens at eight, they open at seven.  And no, I'm sure as hell not telling you which one.  Some secrets get kept, bitches.  Ok, ok - ask me nicely and I'll share.

Turns out, I have a sinus infection, to the surprise of NO ONE.  So he put me on Augmentin (the good shit), and recommended Sudafed and Flonase.  Another quick sidebar.  I sure as heck hope that all these docs are getting a kickback from the Flonase people because that shit's expensive.

I ended up telling the guy that I had been so afraid because of my family history. We talked a little about it, and he was very nice.  He thinks I should have this conversation with my Primary Care doc when I go in for my annual exam next week. Agreed.  She's already going to be pissed because I've gained back some of what I lost last year and my blood pressure isn't great.  So, might as well tell her I've been thinking a lot about my potential to stroke out.

Anyway, he called in the antibiotics and on my way in to the office, I picked up the Sudafed - which, by the way, thanks to asshole meth dealers everywhere for making it a big ordeal to by 24 little red pills. I also got some Excedrin Migraine.  Here's the deal, peeps - that's some good shit.  I took it 30 minutes ago, and I'm all, "What headache so scary I thought I was dying?"

Their tagline should be, "This shit is INSANE".

Yeah, I'm not dramatic AT. ALL.

Anyway, no real insight, I just thought you'd all be glad to know I'm not dead.  And/or dying.

Although, really, we're all dying, are we not?

But seriously.  It's just a sinus infection, we'll clear that up and get back to our business, yes?  Yes.


Monday, January 16, 2017

Cool, Cool...

It's Monday night.  We had a long weekend, thanks to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. 

I needed the extra day for recovery, as it turned out.  I have a hellacious cold that was just about to go away, and then...BOOM!  I got on an airplane and I spent the weekend attempting to breathe out of my mouth without choking.  My nostrils were firmly glued shut.  I did, that said, learn to love Afrin.  I don't care if it rots my brain clear out, but the ability to breathe is worth it.

I don't have any more travel on the books - my first trip of the year is fast becoming my only trip of the year.  So far.

So, you know - I'm going to spend the time getting healthy, getting organized.  Getting HYDRATED.  Maybe head down to Atlanta for a Mom Visit.

And petting my puppy.

You know, all the important stuff.


Friday, January 13, 2017

Puppy Dog Tales

Four years ago today, I had to have Lola put down.  Frankly, it sucked.  Not just at the time, but for a long time after.  On the one year anniversary of her death, I wrote her a long letter, tied it to a balloon and released it in the sky.

It's been nearly two years (minus a few weeks) that we got Piper.

Our girls could not be more different.

Except that they are, were, and will be the loves of my life:


Sunday, January 8, 2017

Wherein I Make It About Me

About 15 years ago, David Cross had a bit in his routine where he talked about people who take on tragedies as though they were personal.  The example he gave was talking about someone working at the Las Vegas hotel New York, New York  on the day after 9/11.  I can't do it justice, but it was damn funny.

So even though it's funny, I'm about to do it in a big way.  This tragedy, this time... is personal.

I thought about this routine on Friday when I first read that a gunman had killed five people in the Fort Lauderdale, Florida Airport.  The way I found out is that a sorority sister of mine was reporting that she was there and safe.  And presumably terrified.

Here's the thing.  I travel.  I travel a lot.  And that could have been me.  It could have been her. It almost was.

There are so many angles to this story.  One, TSA isn't fool proof, two, maybe we shouldn't even allow guns in checked bags.  Or guns, OK - ammo, nope.  And maybe we shouldn't let people who have had their gun seized by police get that gun back.  And maybe we need to pay more attention to the mental health of the people who come home from protecting our country.

What I know is that five people who were just going about their own business on Friday died.

And while my thoughts and prayers are with their families, thoughts and prayers DON'T STOP BULLETS.

So, you know... I'm getting on a plane tomorrow.  And while I've stopped looking forward to travel in general, I want you to know this trip... I'm really worried about.

Although, because something JUST happened, maybe we'll be on heightened alert.

Maybe the trip I should worry about is four months away, or three years... or never.



Thursday, January 5, 2017

Glutton for Punishment

There are all kinds of garbagey foods that I love.  What made me think of this is that they're calling for possible inclement weather here in the Nashville area, and in prep for that, I needed to get some food in the house.  As you will.

So, I picked up the requisites - bread, milk, eggs.  And while that seems a little arbitrary, it's not.  Especially if I tell you my in-laws gave us three pounds of Benton's bacon for Christmas.  In which case, you'll have to admit that my purchases are spot on. 

I also got a few delicacies from my youth.   Chef Boyardee.  And...

The look of the can has not changed in over forty years.

Dinty Moore Beef Stew.  Look, I know it's akin to Alpo, full of sodium and fat, but it takes me back to a simpler time, when a snow day was a treat, not a hassle. 

But I refuse to apologize.  I love the stuff.

And while we're at it, I also like:

Libby's Corned Beef
Potted Meat
Deviled Ham
Wise Cheez Waffies
White Bread (Bimbo, Bunny, Wonderbread, Sunbeam - IDGAF!)
Uncrustables (those PBJ pockets found in the freezer section)
Bologna (though I really need to be all beef)
American Cheese
Boxed Mac and Cheese (prefer Velveeta, but I'm flexible)
Velveeta (or the Kroger brand equivalent)
Campbell's Chicken and Stars
Campbell's Meatball Alphabet Soup
Snack Cakes (Little Debbie is my first preference, but Hostess is fine)
Pudding Cups
Fruit Cocktail - with the red-dyed grape "cherry"
Hot Dogs (but like the bologna, all beef, please)
Canned Biscuits
Frozen Waffles
Apple Juice
Grape Juice
Cheese Puffs/Ball (curls in a pinch, but come on)
Tuna Casserole
Cafeterias in general - especially if they have jello cut into cubes
Carrot Raisin Salad (Chick-fil-A should never have dumped this from the menu)
Canned Asparagus
Fruit Roll Ups
Sugary Cereak (Cap'n Crunch, Lucky Charms and Golden Grahams for instance)

The thing is, I also love classy, healthy food.  Artisan Popsicles, Lobster Rolls, Charcuterie, Raw Oysters, Brussels sprouts, Filet Mignon, Lamb Chops in Lavender Sauce...

But when you're snowed in and it's cold, there's something really, really right about a can of greasy "beef" stew over a few hot canned biscuits straight from the oven.

I have limits though.  Instant Grits?  Shame on you.  Just, shame.


Wednesday, January 4, 2017


Here are some things I've been thinking about.

1.  Avocado toast is kind of a new thing.  Should I try it?  It is a waste of avocado?  A waste of toast?  Altogether disgusting or a taste sensation?  I should probably try it.

2.  Car drivers:  when you come to a pedestrian crossing and let someone pass, you're not DOING THEM A FAVOR.  You are sparing yourself having to clean blood off your car - after you are released from your vehicular manslaughter sentence.

3. Pedestrians:  If you are going to run, walk, ride a bike at night, get a metric ton of flashy lights and reflective tape.  Because if you come bounding out into the road like a ninja gazelle, I actually am doing you a favor in not hitting you. Assholes.

4.  I know more punchlines to jokes than the setups. Maybe I should learn some new jokes start to finish.

5. I love my gel nails for about 13 days, and on day 14, they have GOT TO GO.

Day 14

6.  I have been a registered voter for 24 years.  I've been called for Jury Duty ONCE.  Didn't even get to voir dire before I was released.  I realize I am jinxing myself.

7.  Jumping all over the Jeopardy board looking for Daily Doubles makes you an asshole.

8. I love Brussels sprouts. And greens.  And... I want my kitchen back.

9. I'm totally on board with aromatherapy, but I think using essential oils to treat illness is voodoo.  That said, I'm willing to try it to get rid of a mole that I hate.

10. I am thinking of giving myself a creative writing assignment for 2017.  Details to follow.

11.  I'm just angry that I didn't write this myself.


Sunday, January 1, 2017

You say you want a resolution? Redux.*

Happy 2017, y'all.

I spent NYE at a house party with friends.  Low-key, good conversation, finger foods.

I overate, and woke up with severe acid indigestion at 4AM.  Not to put too much description to it, but ultimately, I barfed.

As it turns out, that was the precursor to waking up later in the morning with a full blown case of whatever Matt has had for the past two weeks.  A cold with cough, sinus probs.  It is what it is, but what it is, is crappy.  I managed, in throwing up, to pull a neck muscle, because, of course.  And it's fine, I'm fine.  I just have a sinus headache,  can't turn my head very well, and I'm being extremely cautious about eating.

That said, it's New Year's Day, so... I had to get in my black-eyed peas and greens.  And since the kitchen is in upheaval from painting, I did what I had to do.  I went to Cracker Barrel.  That's not really a sacrifice.  I like Cracker Barrel.  I got us two dinners to go, and they were good.  I ate slowly, really tried to be mindful.  But the house is really paint-fumey, Piper was extremely interested in our dinners, and Matt is in the process of shopping for a new trash can for the kitchen.  So, you know, baby steps.

With the meal of greens (for wealth), peas (for luck), and cornbread (for gold) eaten, now the last thing I need to consider to get this year started is my New Year's Resolution.

This is, verbatim, what I posted to Facebook this morning:

One major resolution for the New Year that breaks out into lots of little micro-resolutions. And that is to be kinder... to myself. Don't worry, though. The more I'm squared away, the kinder I can be to you, too. Not you, specifically - the editorial you.

And what I  mean by that is this. I need to cut myself  a damn break when I screw up, which I am apt to do.

I read, earlier this year (then re-read the other day) a book by Jen Sincero called "You are a Badass".  In it, she recommends that you go easy on yourself when it comes to self-talk:

"Replace I'm a monster with I'm just a little bunny, working through my issues."

Highly Recommend.

So, I'm taking it to heart.  At 4AM, fresh out of a post-vomming shower, I was giving myself a lecture about getting my shit together, not overeating, getting healthy, and so on and so on.

But what good does that do?  I already felt like hot hammered garbage.  I was exhausted, clearly out of balance.  Why not just remind myself that I'm a little bunny working through my issues and try to get a little rest?

So, that's the plan.  Kindness and self-care.  This is the year.  I swear.  I really mean it. 

Happy New Year!

* I decided to review my blog to see what I had chosen as my resolutions in years past.  Turns out I used the same title "You say you want a resolution?" not once, but twice before.  In 2014 an 2015.  Classic Allison.