Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Jobs I'd Like

Here are a few jobs I'd enjoy having, even though I really do enjoy my work:

1. Buyer for the Cracker Barrel (et al.). Have you ever notice that Cracker Barrel (and really, lots of other chain restaurants) have all kinds of stuff on the walls? Old snuff tins, vintage photos of men with handlebar moustaches, rusted farm tools. I want to be the woman who goes to flea markets and buys that stuff. I think I have the knack for finding just the right old-timey Borax ads that adorn the walls of Ye Old Barrel of Crackers. Or, PDQ Shenanigans, or Fuzzy McNutt's Hamburger Factory. Name your decor, I'm your girl.

2. The person who names the colors of clothing in catalogs. Land's End may call it Apricot, but J Crew says it's Blush. One man's Clover is another man's Fern. I would like to have a job naming colors. I could get work naming paint swatches for Glidden, determining the difference between Aquamarine and Blue Topaz for David's Bridal. Maybe some freelancing in the lipstick department at Lancome? Should we call this shade Breathless or Glib? Wouldn't you be Peridot with envy? The king daddy of careers for a Color Namer is the head namer at OPI. Ah, perchance to dream.

3. Dog trainer/handler. Every time I watch a dog show, I think, "I could do that." And I also think, "And I'd dress better doing it, too." Plus, unlimited access to dogs. Actually, it would kick ass to be a judge. Buy a frumpy mother of the bride dress, get some ortho sandals to wear with it, and pry open mouths with a look of non-chalance. Face it, by the time they get to Best in Show, isn't it just a crap shoot anyway? Under my rule, no poodles would ever win.

4. Veterinary Pharma Rep. Again, access to dogs, access to people who like dogs, and presumably, access to drugs. Some of which are the same for people as they are their animals.

5. Housewife. Not so much a job as a lifestyle (given that we don't have kids), but I think I could rock the June Cleaver persona for a few months. At least until I get the attic organized.

6. Advertising Exec. Look, you've seen some of the crap ads on TV - I could do at least that well, and/or have fun trying.

7. Game Show Host. Matt and I are working on a spin-off of "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?" called "Are You Smarter than a Zygote?" Hint: most people are not.

8. Lingerie/Sleepwear Prototype Model. I get to lounge in my drawers or pajamas all day and complain about being poked by an underwire. Selfless, I tell you.

9. Technician, Medical Marijuana Dispensary (legal, of course). I'm increasingly more Legalize It than I've ever been. And I think it would be a service to my fellow man. And should I ever decide to give in to the temptation...convenient.

There are others... but that will do for now.

Monday, March 29, 2010

I'm Vincible

There’s a Flight of the Conchords song called “Hurt Feelings” that I’m overly enamored of – for one, the tune is pleasant and relevant, but also, it dares to rhyme “prize asshole” with both “casserole” and “profiteroles”. And the lyric, “The day after my birthday is not my birthday” gets me every time. But at the moment, I am nursing a little bit of hurt feelings myself. And it’s neither as amusing nor as lyrical as Brett and Jemaine’s version.

You see, we had our employee evals a few weeks ago, with the promise of a dollar amount to be attached at a later time. Friday, I got that dollar amount. It was low. In fact, to call it a dollar amount really oversells it.

So naturally, I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings.

I had hoped, foolishly, that the work I’ve spent the past two year doing would have amounted to something a little more tangible. I don’t think that I have the hardest job in the world, and nobody ever went into Customer Support for the benjamins, but the fact is, I’m not just a phone monkey, and I represent my company every day of my life. And presumably, that’s worth something.

So, I may approach the subject with my boss on my anniversary date and see if anything sticks.

And yes, I know, I know – money isn’t everything, but my self-esteem isn’t going to pay the bills. Eh, file it under FIDO (f*** it, drive on).

In other news, Matt and I went to the Music City Burlesque’s Spring Break or Bust show on Friday, which will cure what ails you. They had pasties for sale in the lobby, so I bought some. They’re purple with doves and violets on them, and I picked them because they’re basically Sigma Kappa pasties. My sisters would be so proud (once they got that vomit taste out of their mouths).

So in addition to twirling tassels, these lovely déshabilleuses teach classes on the art of burlesque. I’ll be signing up soon. I don’t know that I’d ever get up onstage and shake what my mama gave me, but it seems like a useful skill to have. Like making bread or knitting. I haven’t done those, either. I don’t think knitting would be fun, but eventually, I think it would be neat to make bread. And I don’t count biscuits or cornbread, both of which I can do beautifully. I’m talking something involving yeast, proofing, etc.

We went to see the bunnies on Sunday, but because I misread the website, we ended up at a closed toy store. Ah, well – there will always be next year. And beyond.

My parents’ male pug got neutered today, thus ending the dream of having my own pick of the litter courtesy of The Dude. I don’t really think I’d have ever done it, but it’s a moot (or, if you’re my boss, mute) point.

We have a bird nesting in our front porch – a little surveillance indicates it’s a robin. Robins are related to bluebirds, so presumably, this would be lucky. It’s heavy extrapolation, but I’ll take what I can get.

And with that, welcome Spring.


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Guilty Pleasures

- So, recently at work, someone has had the TV in our Break Room on Fox News. Personally, I've had enough. So I change it to Weather Channel every time I walk in there. Fight the power!

- Last weekend, Turner Classic Movies played one of my favorite movies - the 1960 Spring Break classic - Where The Boys Are. I DVRed it, even though I own it on DVD. I had intended just to watch the host's intro, but as it happens, I got sucked in and watched the whole thing while I folded laundry. That freaking movie just gets me every time. The clothes! The romance! The fact that the doctor lights a cigarette in the hospital waiting room! The Fairview Apartments! I love it. I watch it annually.

- I stubbed the everloving hell out of several toes on my left foot tonight. Pain!

- Facebook is making me a little nuts these days. Too much talk of repeals, seceding from the union, hatred, and racism. I'm trying to hold my tongue and keep things light. Yesterday, I pissed off some old classmates by telling them essentially that losing Texas and Louisiana due to secession wouldn't be a loss. I mean it.

- I had a training class today that reminds me why I love my job. Seriously. Good folks. I hope the good juju can hold for my trip to Brunswick. The New Jersey trip went to the other trainer, and to him I say, enjoy. I'll be eating shrimp.

- My best girlfriend announced she's having a boy. I've suggested she name him Sanjay Gupta.

- I am almost caught up on laundry. I may use time this weekend to put Winter clothes away and pull the threads for Summer.

- I need clothes, too. No kidding. I wish they'd tell us if we're getting raises, and I could bankroll a few new tops. The Man is always trying to keep us down.

- The bunnies are back at Phillips Toy Mart. I want to go this weekend if I can get up a posse. Bunnies are best enjoyed en masse.

- I stopped at Las Paletas today. After dinner, I'll try my Pineapple Blackberry popsicle.

Have I mentioned lately that I'm happy here?


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Misty Watercolored Memories

Today is St. Patrick's Day. And while I am neither Irish nor Catholic, nor a reptiliphobe, I celebrate because I can (see also: Cinco de Mayo). I celebrated by wearing my four leaf clover necklace - a gift from my late Great-Aunt Rose. I made a cake for my team at work, and most importantly, I threw a Corned Beef Brisket in the Crock Pot with a bottle of beer and some carrots.

Back in my college years, the Phi Kappa Thetas, who lived across the street from us (the Sigma Kappas), painted their house green every St. Patrick's Day. A few days later, they painted it back to white. They called this event "Paint the Mother Green". While we were not friends with these boys, whom we called Phi Tools, I went over one year to assist with a few brushstrokes. I had been studying for a test at the time, I had on my slippers when I went over, and got some little spots of green on the soles of them. I lost those slippers while moving out of an old office. Don't ask. They weren't dear, but I miss them. Somewhere, I have a picture of me standing on the porch of the Phi Tool house from that night.

While on the memory of Sigma Kappa nostalgia, here's a not so pleasant jolt to my olfactory archives. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, we didn't have hand sanitizer. But we had germophobes just the same. And when you live in a sorority house, there are germs. It's a petri dish, and it cannot be helped. Several of the women in the house wielded Lysol and used it liberally, and unfortunately, my roommate was one. I had nothing against her, or her germ-fearing ways, but I hated the smell of Lysol, and it eventually just ended up making me angry every time I smelled it. Cut to present day. We have a manager, whose office is literally 11 steps from my curvicle, and he's phobic. So every day, he hoses down his space then walks out the door, leaving anyone who doesn't leave at 5 on the dot in his acrid wake. I've bitched to several colleagues. I'm tempted to leave a note on his Lysol can. But you can't mess with management. I could rub some raw chicken on his doorknob, though.

Lysol aside, the prevalent smell in the Snakey K house back in, let's say 1995, was Bath and Body Works' Sun Ripened Raspberry Body spray. My taste in perfume, even then, leaned toward Joy by Jean Patou and Calèche by Hermès . What can I say? The closest I come to wearing a fruity fragrance is Guerlain's Pampelune. And even that is a far cry from the lone raspberry that was briefly dunked into the vat of Sun Ripened Raspberry at the factory.

Anyway, I had/have snooty tastes - I recognize this.

I also recognize that I have the same bottle of Calèche that I had in college, and only recently needed a new bottle of Joy, after using up the one my mother gave me at age 12. My sisters could run through a bottle of body spray in a month, and I think they might have. They still make it, by the way. Are you reading this, sisters?

So, that's what was on my mind today. Fascinating, I know.

PS - our pledge pin (sorry, badge) is why they call us Snakey K's:

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

And then along came Jones

Last night, around 1AM, we had a furry visitor in the backyard who woke us up. It looked like a scrawny German Shepherd mix, but then, I maintain it could have been a coyote. Matt points out that coyotes don't wear collars. Do coyotes point? This was probably a mutt.

Regardless, the beast removed the corrugated plastic pipe we attach to our downspout to divert water, and he mangled it with his gaping maw. I went and bought a replacement tonight and fixed it. Lola has been eager to spend time out there ever since, and has given the mangled pipe a thorough once over. What's a girl to do?

Coyote/Dog aside, we're not sleeping well, and that makes us a cranky family. This Spring Forward nonsense makes me kind of ready for some actual Spring. I even bought some Nasturtium seeds while I was at Home Depot. Self-fulfilling prophesy?

Mom had a run in with food poisoning this week, and I know how badly she suffered. But on the upside, there went the five pounds she had hoped to lose. Kidding. If I didn't acutely remember how much it hurt, I'd go lick a dumpster at an abattoir to see if I could get a little kickstart on a diet.

I made a cake tonight for my co-workers. I hope they'll enjoy. One never knows. I offered one for Matt, but his co-workers are all mid-Lent. You know what I gave up for Lent? Moderation.

To be honest, I am feeling a little frustrated, but I know that this, too, shall pass.

Shan't it?


Sunday, March 14, 2010

Shooting Fish in a Barrel

Last weekend, I saw for the first time, a show on TLC called "What Not to Wear". It's nothing new, I know this, but now I'm hooked.

Except... the premise of the show is that they ambush a woman, give her $5000 to toss her clothes and start over with their help. And not only does she get the $5000, they take her to New York to spend it.

And that's fine, but in New York, even I could find enough great clothes to use up that budget. You want a show? Come to Nashville and try to find some schmatte for this woman. Come on, I dare you. Also, I'd be afraid of what they'd try to do with my hair.

Anyway. Stacey, Clinton? Call me.

My nephew has been rather chatty of late, and Laura has taught him to call me Allie - which comes out as Aieeee. Love it. More, please.

Went to a party last night, and as we were leaving, we ran into some friends of Matt's - which since neither of us live in that part of town, is kind of fun. Nice folks - he admires my baking from afar.

Today was kind of a lazy Sunday. Did a little Target run, lunched at Sitar. Our regular Indian joint went Tango Uniform and they're opening a Mr. Burrito in its place. BOOOOO!

I have to be in at work early tomorrow, and given that we sprang forward this morning - I admit, Matt sprang, I stumbled...it's going to be painful.

Speaking of painful, I ran over my toes with a loaded shopping cart at Kroger not once, but twice yesterday. Naturally, I had on my ballet flats, so that hurt like hell. Nice work.

I finally got to give a pint at the Red Cross on Saturday. Apparently my children's chewables with extra iron did the trick. Easy and tasty.

I am going to be crock potting a corned beef on St. Patrick's day. It should be interesting. And by that, I mean terrifying.

Thinking of having a party mid-May. Ham on the Weber, deviled eggs, etc. To Matt's point, we need to figure out dealing with mosquitoes.

And if you're reading this, yes, you're invited.

Happy dregs of the weekend!


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Up Late Update

1. I'm killing a little time watching some old episodes of How I Met Your Mother and man, they are top notch. The new ones are good, but... nothing like old times.

2. I spent the weekend with my parents, sister and nephew (and of course the pugs). A good time was had by all. We ended up going to The Varsity for dinner Saturday and it was OFF THE CHAIN. I love me some chili pimiento cheese burgers... and Henry looked great in his paper Varsity hat.

3. Work is going well - I had my review and it was good. Not perfect, but better than average, for sure. Glad that's over with. All I seem to do is train these days. I really enjoy it, but it wears you out. My co-workers are fun, and that's always good.

4. I need a big pile of money- if you see one lying around, send it my way.

5. To that end, I'd love some new clothes. There is a shirt at Talbots I really want. But then again, I need to pay more on my tonsil fund, pay down my credit card and so on. Oh well.

6. Craving salt. SALT! S-A-L-T.

7. I've got to stop talking about my tonsils - the new guy at work was talking about getting a soft drink when he wanted sugar and then said, "But I know that won't work for you, what with the tonsil thing." Point taken. I won't be talking about it any more.

8. Chattanooga now has a Classic Country station which I found in my travels over the weekend. Love it. Heard some vintage Reba which took me waaaay back.

9. Matt got me flowers this weekend. What's not to love?

And for now, that is all she wrote.


Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Highlights for Children - Fun With a Purpose

So I got back last night from Jacksonville, Florida. The customer wrote a glowing note, my boss was happy, and all is right with the world.

A few quick hits though:

1. The client and I had dinner together Monday night, which could have been awkward, but he ordered beer first, and I followed suit. We had some great gumbo, kick-ass shrimp, fun conversation and some tart, wonderful key lime pie. I love client dinners. Well, sometimes. This one was excellent.

2. Jacksonville is, for what I saw of it, much like many other semi-urban locales. But there were palm trees. That was the first thing I saw that made me regret not bringing a camera.

3. The second thing I wish I'd had a camera for was the bathrooms at the client's HQ. The toilets there have two flush modes - one for light flushing jobs, the other for heavy. It will auto-flush the proper mode for you based on your seat time, or you can pick which mode you want, manually. I thought this was super cool. Everyone I share this with laughs.

4. If you were to go down in a fiery plane crash, wouldn't you have wanted your last meal to include bacon? I would. So I had a bacon cheeseburger at the Jacksonville Airport Chili's pre-flight. Because I'm not a glutton (haha), I left some fries.

5. One of my colleagues said he missed me because I brought joy to the department. Which makes the only thing better than leaving the office from time to time - coming back. Even if he was blowing smoke (and I don't think so), it made me feel like a million ducks (that's right, feathery and loud).

6. Two more trips may or may not surface. New Jersey and Brunswick, GA. Fun.

7. My ears are so jacked up from the flights that I would gladly stuff my entire head with Damp-Rid to dry it out. Tempting.

8. Lola and Matt both ostensibly did fine in my brief absence. They're working Matt to death though, so that kept him busy for much of the time.

9. I read two books - one on the flight there, one on the flight back. The former was a trashy Maeve Binchy. Now you know my secret shame. I read garbage. This one was worse than most, though. It took over a dozen characters from previous novels and threw them together into a melange that was at best, amusing, but so damn predictable. I still enjoyed it - much like you enjoy the chili at Waffle House, even though you know they just scraped the meat debris from the grills off into a pot of beans and tomatoes to make it. Tell me I'm wrong. I'll still eat Waffle House any day. If Maeve's "Heart and Soul" (about a fledgling heart rehab clinic) was Waffle House Chili, the second book was more like homemade vegetable soup - "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time" was a fun, quick, smart read. It's been out forever, but special thanks to Natae for letting us borrow it -and to Matt for leaving it in the car so I could abscond with it.

10. It's good to be home.

11. Good night.