1. Buyer for the Cracker Barrel (et al.). Have you ever notice that Cracker Barrel (and really, lots of other chain restaurants) have all kinds of stuff on the walls? Old snuff tins, vintage photos of men with handlebar moustaches, rusted farm tools. I want to be the woman who goes to flea markets and buys that stuff. I think I have the knack for finding just the right old-timey Borax ads that adorn the walls of Ye Old Barrel of Crackers. Or, PDQ Shenanigans, or Fuzzy McNutt's Hamburger Factory. Name your decor, I'm your girl.
2. The person who names the colors of clothing in catalogs. Land's End may call it Apricot, but J Crew says it's Blush. One man's Clover is another man's Fern. I would like to have a job naming colors. I could get work naming paint swatches for Glidden, determining the difference between Aquamarine and Blue Topaz for David's Bridal. Maybe some freelancing in the lipstick department at Lancome? Should we call this shade Breathless or Glib? Wouldn't you be Peridot with envy? The king daddy of careers for a Color Namer is the head namer at OPI. Ah, perchance to dream.
3. Dog trainer/handler. Every time I watch a dog show, I think, "I could do that." And I also think, "And I'd dress better doing it, too." Plus, unlimited access to dogs. Actually, it would kick ass to be a judge. Buy a frumpy mother of the bride dress, get some ortho sandals to wear with it, and pry open mouths with a look of non-chalance. Face it, by the time they get to Best in Show, isn't it just a crap shoot anyway? Under my rule, no poodles would ever win.
4. Veterinary Pharma Rep. Again, access to dogs, access to people who like dogs, and presumably, access to drugs. Some of which are the same for people as they are their animals.
5. Housewife. Not so much a job as a lifestyle (given that we don't have kids), but I think I could rock the June Cleaver persona for a few months. At least until I get the attic organized.
6. Advertising Exec. Look, you've seen some of the crap ads on TV - I could do at least that well, and/or have fun trying.
7. Game Show Host. Matt and I are working on a spin-off of "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?" called "Are You Smarter than a Zygote?" Hint: most people are not.
8. Lingerie/Sleepwear Prototype Model. I get to lounge in my drawers or pajamas all day and complain about being poked by an underwire. Selfless, I tell you.
9. Technician, Medical Marijuana Dispensary (legal, of course). I'm increasingly more Legalize It than I've ever been. And I think it would be a service to my fellow man. And should I ever decide to give in to the temptation...convenient.
There are others... but that will do for now.