Saturday, January 29, 2011

Ain't that a kick in the head?

So, clearly, long time no blog.

Well, I went to Peoria, and it was mostly OK. The customer I visited was challenging - very nice people, but all reasonably bright and all with distinct opinions. I didn't sleep well either night, and that made it interesting.

As for my eating habits while in Illinois, I was able to forgo anything terrible at the airport - and in fact, except for a bad move at lunch at Chili's involving a half turkey sandwich on steroids, I did OK. I had to weigh in Thursday since I got in around 8PM Wednesday, and I was ready to hear that I had gained.

What I got was decidedly not bad news. I lost. I lost 3.2 pounds. I've lost almost nine pounds in three weeks. INSANE.

But good.

Today, as a treat, I took my butt to a Spa for a little TLC.

Matt gave me some giftcards from Spafinder, and I ended up at Tiba, a small place near the house.

It was awesome. I had a body polishing treatment - I started out in a steam shower, then she laid me out on a table and scrubbed me first with an exfoliating paste, then with loofah mitts. Then, I got back into the shower, rinsed off the scrub, and she massaged lotion into my newly exfoliated skin.

And I got cucumber water. And slippers, and a robe, and my hair looked all nice and bouncy from all the steam and showering and whatnot.

I need to do stuff like that more often.

Maybe I'll blow it out when I hit 20 pounds gone. Or at my 10%. Or sooner.

Sooner would be good.

So, I have this bump on my head - I've had it for a couple of years. The doctor looked at it, said it was nothing, and could be removed eventually. Well, it has gotten bigger and now it actually hurts. So I need to make an appointment and go see if they'll lance it or drain it or something.

Gross. I know, I know.

Oh well.

It's not all glamorous.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Late Breaking Irma News - 1/19

So, Irma let me down tonight, though, after last week, what could she have done to top it. Tonight, she had on the same slacks, a white blouse w/ lacy collar and a sweater vest that had roses and leaves on it, with little metal bird buttons sewn on at intervals. It was actually an improvement.

I'm starting to warm to Irma. OK, she's not entirely dynamic, but the meetings are starting to meld a little, and OK, it doesn't hurt that I lost another 2.6 pounds. So, we're getting there. Go me!

Anyway, maybe it's Stockholm Syndrome, but for now, I'm going to lighten up on Irma.

I'm still worried about Peoria.

How it goes...

So, time to weigh in again tonight. Don’t worry – I’ll be giving a play-by-play on Irma’s wardrobe – it’s guaranteed to be the best part of the meeting. If I can figure out a way to get a photo, I will. That may be too mean, even for me.

Clearly, folks, I’m still learning to deal effectively with hunger. How can I tell? Well, friends, last night I was walking out to my car and I saw a perfectly good unmolested banana in the empty parking space next to mine. And I actually thought about picking it up and eating it.

Stray fruit, people. What depravity awaits me next?

Well the depravity of mocking my WW leader, of course!

I do think I’ll have another small loss tonight – maybe a pound and a half? I did a sneak peek on the home scale this morning – but as we know – what you weigh in the AM may not represent accurately what you’ll weigh at 5:30 PM. Oh, the horror. The…horror.

The fiber is starting to go down a bit easier, and rogue bananas aside, I don’t feel too deprived, though I could still go for some fried chicken. Or hot wings. Or, you know…both.

My jones for sugar is more or less under control. Matt and I got a Krispy Kreme flyer in the mail the other day and I saw a doughnut filled with dark chocolate kreme that piqued my interest. I held it in check, because the kreme in the picture looks a little like poo coming out of the end of the doughnut.

I’m about to go into a challenging week, though. I’m leaving for Peoria, IL on Monday. I’ll get back too late to weigh on Wednesday of next week – so no Irma-Alerts that week… but also, the lure of Chicago-O’Hare…will there be pizza or hot dogs lurking? Time will tell.

I could do some recon and see if there are options, but right now, I’m pre-meeting, insanely hungry and in self-denial mode because I want a negative number in my book. And I’d like one that starts with a 2, but we’ll see.

No weird weigh-in dreams, but I did have one dream where my clothes were looser.

And in reality, they are… a little.

Inch by inch, right people?


PS – Good news – one of my colleagues told me that there was no way I could be a competitor on Biggest Loser – I wasn’t big enough. It was a compliment. Trust me.

I’ll check in with Irma Watch 2011 soon.


Thursday, January 13, 2011

What Irma Wore - 1/12, Plus a Whole LOT more...

My first week of Weight Watchers yielded a nice loss - 2.8 pounds. Sadly, it means that I only get two songs for my MP3 this week - partial pounds don't count. I'm thinking Thoroughly Modern Millie and Popular. We'll see.

I also need to get my eyebrows waxed - which is more of a grooming necessity than a reward.

And finally, since we're going to Atlanta this weekend, I think I'll set myself up at Crate and Barrel to a few new salad sized plates in our pattern (Maison, in case you're interested). We seem to have lost (to breakage) a few of them, and Irma (not her real name), my WW Fearless Leader, recommends the smaller plate for the illusion of more food. I was doing that anyway and it works.

Now, let me tell you about Irma's ensemble last night. Quelle belle dame!

Pinstriped black slacks and a tired looking white top with some ruffled detail at the neck. This was set off with a weather-themed cardigan. It was red with white snowflakes, long, past her hips with pockets. On one pocket was a goose wearing a green Santa hat, the other pocket had a loon wearing a green Santa hat. The back of the sweater was really the ne plus ultra of knitted charm. It featured a cat in (natch) a green Santa hat. The cat had whiskers made of white thread that hung off the sweater in 3-D. Above the cat were the words "Let it Snow!" Below the cat, it read (Somewhere Else).

I swear it. I wish I'd had the presence of mind to get a cellphone picture, because honestly, it was the tackiest sweater in the history of the cardi.

Part two. If the sweater weren't enough, the meeting was pure chaos. Nobody has a firm grasp on the program. She can't explain it very well, and that leads to explanation by committee. I realized that I had been doing some fuzzy math calculating points - ie, if one serving is 2 points, two servings must be 4 points. Not so. It could be 6 points - it could be 3. Apparently, though, since I only made the error when making soup, I still managed to get through it and lose.

I cannot tell a lie - I was feeling so thin that I had hoped my loss would be a little more - but everyone seemed to think it was a good first week.

And then, I woke up to Thursday.

This week has been so damn long and frustrating - and today, we kicked off our 12 week health challenge at work. Which meant another weigh-in and...sigh...body-fat calculation.

Well, my weight was no surprise - after all, I was on the scale less than 24 hours ago. But the body fat - well, before I went in, I guesstimated it at around 45% - which is high, yes; very, very high. Only, it was actually 53.7%. WHAAAAAAT? I'm more than half fat? That's the worst. It's amazing that I don't leave a greasy ring around the tub every time I bathe. I should, to paraphrase a yo mamma joke, be spitting butter.

I gave my data to just a few people - the ones I trust, and the rest, I joked saying I needed to stop licking the grease traps at Waffle House.

After a few brief consultations with my fellow foodies and other friends at the office, I decided that it was just a number and regardless of what the start point was, as long as it continued to go down over the next 12 weeks, the actual number itself was irrelevant.

Except, naturally, it isn't. It's a huge, smelly, lardy, emotional ordeal. I got through the day, and came home and had a little meltdown. It didn't drive me to eat, but I spent some time in denial and bitching to Matt and my mother. Well, it's a long story, but I'm in a better place. Matt brought me flowers, too - and really, I don't deserve them. I was kind of being irrational.

For what it's worth, I don't think I'll have any problem winning the contest for the Women's competition. I believe I'm the only really fat girl who signed up. My pride is worth the $250 prize. That would buy a lot of flowers, salad plates and eyebrow waxes.

So as they say in the Hokey Pokey - that's what it's all about.



Tuesday, January 11, 2011

And that's when the bacon arrived...

So, my first week on Weight Watchers has been more or less a walk in the park. I had a few episodes of "damn, I want candy", which I was able to table with a regular nutritional meal. I logged my points, I measured, and I barely touched my "flex" points. I mean, I used less than 10 of the 49.

And then, today, I hit a wall.

To be fair, it has been a trying week. What's that you say? It's only Tuesday? True.

Well, late Sunday/early Monday, the snow hit. I was able to get into work yesterday, but most of my team worked from home. I felt angry, isolated and used.

Today, everyone managed to drag their asses in. Which is good - we're loaded down with customer stuff that needs a lot of TLC. Grr. I won't elaborate, except to say that each day brings new challenges.

Add to that, all of our sales team are in town for their kick-off meeting. Good times. So tonight, they had our quarterly meeting. It was much ado about nothing, and it wore me out. So what better way to end the meeting than with a little party afterwards? And of course, it wouldn't be a party without food.

I could smell it from my desk, and suddenly, the idea of stuffing down my anger and frustration with fat and carbs seemed like a viable option. But since my first weigh-in is tomorrow, that seemed like a supreme act of futility.

I did go and look at it from a distance. They had chicken fingers, ham biscuits, sausage balls, bacon-wrapped lard-infused Oreos dipped in fudge and topped with shaved gold. I may have made that last one up - they did have something wrapped in bacon - everyone said it was delicious.

I walked away without a plate.

I went home, I made dinner - which, I have to be honest - was weird. I scrambled eggs with spinach, onions and tomatoes (and cheese, DUH). I used too much spinach. Green eggs. Served it with ham. Wish I were kidding.

I finally hit my total tonight thanks to popcorn and cottage cheese.

I've eaten so much fiber, I feel like I have a belly full of sharpened Legos. I'm bloated. I will spare you details.

But I feel...better? I think.

Last time I did WW, I didn't tell people. Now I've told everyone.

Tomorrow is Weigh In. My fantasy brain thinks I've lost five to eight pounds. Reality tells me it's probably no more than three.

But it took me five years to get this weight on - it may take some time to get it off.

And that means I'm going to have to give fried chicken the finger a few dozen more times.

I will say, I've decided on some rewards. I think I'll download a 99 cent MP3 from Amazon for each pound - to aid me in my walking regimen - which, please - give me a damn week or two to get used to the Lego belly... anyway - I have a loooong list of showtunes that will get me through my first 10% goal.

I'll keep you posted tomorrow - main thing is, I don't want to cry at my meeting - I did that the first time I joined. Brutal.

Wish me luck. I need showtunes.


Friday, January 7, 2011

Mean Girls, Bad Dreams, Dry Skin


So, I post from time to time on Greek Chat - a sorority and fraternity forum. The women on there, the ones that have been there a long time - are SO MEAN. They pick on newbies, they're superior, and bitchy - and everything bad you have ever believed about Sorority women.

And yet, there's enough that I enjoy about it that I can't tear myself away.

I'm finding that to be a vague theme of the Weight Watchers boards, but Fat Girls are not by nature as mean as Sorority Girls. And again, there's enough info that I need from the site that I don't want to give it up.

Now,, where we dissect the funny pages? Nicest people on the planet. I'd love to meet most of them in real life.


I have started having the typical WW dreams - the ones where I am in a grocery store buying cake, but can't see how much it costs or what damage it will do. And getting caught, or waking up and feeling panicked. Can weigh-in dreams be far behind? No.


My skin is so dry. I don't think there's enough lotion on the planet for me - but I'd have to put it on to know. And when it's cold like this, who wants to put cold lotion on. I need a lotion warmer.

I also need a big pile of money. Seen one lying around? Send it my way.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Journey, lifetime, single step, blah, blah....

So I started Weight Watchers last night. So far, I haven't gnawed my left hand off, but the day isn't over yet.

I don't care for my Meeting Leader. Her name is...well, to protect the innocent, we'll call her Irma.

Irma is roughly mid-70s, frumpy, and has teats that hang down to her waist.

On top of that, she's a little distracted, she doesn't seem to get the new program (which is admittedly weird as shit), and she didn't have much control over the meeting. She also seems to have issues using our calculator, which took me three minutes to master.


The ladies (and one sad husband) in the meeting seem nice enough. But they're cliquey - and I'm not in the clique. Quoi de neuf?

Meanwhile, work is causing some stress. I am training a guy today who feels very Aspergery. I'd be surprised if not - maybe a cokehead, but probably high-functioning Autism.

He needed to take a lunch break. And while he breaks, I blog.

Peace out.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

The Requisite Post of Resolutions, 2011 Remix

So, of course, it's 2011. In fact, it's 1/1/11, which is kind of nice.

It's time to resolve a few things... so I might as well do it publicly. Or, quasi-publicly, since chances are you aren't even reading this.

1. I am joining Weight Watchers and sticking with it. Goal #1 is to get through 10 weeks without crying. Goal #2 is a weight that starts with a 1. From there, we'll see. The reward for this will be health. I'll give myself some non-food attagirls along the way. Manicures. Massages. Jewelry.

2. I am going to get more exercise. Because I need it.

3. I am going to be more selfish this year. Instead of being an armchair, think wooden folding chair with slats that aren't comfortable.

4. More reading.

5. Less eating out at lunch (see #1).

6. Writing. More of it!

I'll check back with you.