Tuesday, May 31, 2011

hot shot

OK, so - as I believe you know, I was dealing with severe unilateral cankleage yesterday, and heroic efforts with ice, elevation, drugs and sleep did little to ameliorate the situation.

So I wore Birkenstocks to work, finished my first training of the day and snuck over to the doctor's office.  Without my Kindle.  Dumbass.  I read every palatable magazine - not easy considering they only have Mom's Fun Times Whirlycake Monthly and Dude Sports Mag for Dudes.  I don't fall into either category.

Two hours after I arrived, I left.  They pronounced it a severe allergic reaction, shot my left buttock full of steroid and send me on my way.

I stopped at Sonic for a Grilled Cheese and Tots Kids' Meal.  Wacky Packs, they call them.  I usually go with apple slices, but I threw half the tots out the window in my mile drive back to the office - sort of a modern day Hansel and Gretel.   So, I could have done worse.  I also ate some animal crackers.

Then I did my second training class, and hit up the string cheese.

I blame the steroids.

No, I blame my stress at having been at the doctor for TWO HOURS during a work day.  But I don't think anyone is any the wiser.  Aside from which, I still pulled two full sessions, and made calls and came out smelling like a rose.

A swollen, 'roid-addled rose.

Aside from which, we're a safety/health company.  It would look bad for their Star LSMS Trainer to have a bloody stump in place of a foot and ankle.  It's just bad business. 

Oh, and speaking of bad business.  I was finally able to tell one of the managers who is pulling some puppet strings that I know he's doing it - and I didn't have to betray a source to do it.  I said it as he was leaving, and I'd like to think he'll lose a little sleep over my obvious disapproval of his machinations.

He won't.  But that's fine.  I got my licks in.

Life is good.  Swollen, a little sweaty.

But good.

PS - Would it have killed someone at the doctor's office to notice my significant weight loss?  I'm so vain.  I bet I think this blog is about me, don't I? Don't I?

Monday, May 30, 2011

Appalach Dispatch

So, we just got back from the mountains - and it was awesome.   We did work day on Saturday, where I burned downed trees, shoveled ditches, and hauled limbs.

I worked, got a nice sunburned and slept like a rock dropped in mud.

Yesterday, I did some work around our cabin,  and my first injury was a hornet sting to the left ankle, which is now 2x larger than my right ankle.

I also managed to get a small scratch/puncture on the same foot with, yep, a rusty nail.  So, that's sweet.

But I've had tetanus shots all my life - the most recent within the last 5 years, so I'm good to go.

I think.

If not, it's been nice knowing you.

I kid, I kid.

So, the other discovery of note was the large pile of bear shit that we saw near the cabin.  It was, of course, in the woods.  So, now it can be told.

Bear shit is impressive.   That's all I can really say about that.

The dogs, all three of them, had a ball.   I got a tick off The Dude, another off Dad later that day, and last night, tried to remove a tick from Lola that turned out to be her nipple.  That takes a special kind of awesome, and presbyopia, apparently.

No swim in the waterfall, though I did take a wade into the creek and it was splendid.

We also had one of the best watermelons I have ever eaten.   And have I mentioned how nice it is to have dinner cooked for me?  I loved it.

And believe it or not, I am probably going to lose weight again this week.  I think all the exercise agreed with me.

And the good food.  Mom and Dad did a fine job of giving me healthy sustenance.  I'm a lucky broad.

Matt helped build a bridge and did some hiking, even got a little work done for his day job.

Tomorrow, I have a training session for the new product - I've only ever trained on it once before.  It should be a disaster, but what's a girl to do?  I'll make it happen.

And that's really about all I can tell you.

Well, for now, anyway.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Awwww. Yeeeeeaaaaah.

Good news, kids - the scales were in my favor.  I lost 3.8 pounds, and frankly, that's freaking amazing.  I have finally hit the a weight where the first number is a 1.

I have nothing more to say right now.

Mostly because we're starting Taxi Driver and Matt needs the computer.

There you have it.


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Assorted and Sordid

I want to throw a party.  I don't have an occasion, but I want people to come to the house and I want to feed them.  I think it's because I can't eat all I want to.

I have cake on the brain in a big way - huge.  I'm watching a cupcake competition on Food Network, and I don't even like them that much.  At all.  Just saying.

I've had a few days where I got beat up by customers, and I'm kind of over it.  I just need a cold bath, I need something sweet and decadent to get a sweet taste back in my mouth.  And a sweetness back in my disposition.

They sent me to Kentucky yesterday, and the ride up and back was the highlight.  I saw dozens of red wing blackbirds.  Plus a blue heron, and plenty of livestock.

But the actual customer visit kicked me in the teeth.  So when I got back to Nashville, I worked the rest of the day from the house, and I sat on the deck with Lola, WiFied it til 5, the planted my peppers, took a nap and went to Zumba.

I was feeling so cute, looking good, thinking I was getting so thin... and then, I'm standing on the front row in between this gal who looked like an anorexic ballerina, and on the other side, Jessica Alba's body double.  I mean, crap.  Really?

And for the rest of the hour I flailed like a blind troll with a hornet's nest in my bra.  It was macabre.

It was also a really good workout.  

Did I mention a woman who was nine months pregnant was on the other side of Ann O'Rexia?  She was smoking my ass.

It's always nice to have your ego stomped by youth.

The cicadas are out in droves.  They're making me insane.

And that's about all I can say.

Mostly because the laptop is getting hot, and also, Glee is on.

Yeah... I like it, it's dumb, but sweet.


Sunday, May 22, 2011

Mercy, mercy me.

I'm ending out the weekend in domesticity.  Laundry to wash, more of it to put away.  Dinner to cook, pepper plants to put in the ground...

Wait, what's that?  I know I haven't said much about it, but of course you know I intend to make pepper jelly again this year.  Aside from entering into the State Fair and winning a blue ribbon, I don't know what I'll do with it - they restructure the company so often, I've been everyone's teammate this year.  Maybe I'll be calculated and really only give it to those people I like.  Start sucking up...now.

I don't even really want to talk about work at the moment, except to say, I am going to be traveling a little this month and next.  Russellville, Kentucky tomorrow.  Then in June, St. Louis and Dallas.  I must be the luckiest woman in the world.  There are some changes on the horizon.  I'll assume they're good until proven otherwise, and for now, that's all I can or will say.

Meanwhile, our weekend was pretty chill.  Saturday started out with a visit from Hiller Plumbing - we learned Friday morning that the hot water heater was kaput.  Bummer.  Now we're back in business and it only cost us a bunch of money.

Last night, we went out, had a little Chick-Fil-A, went to Borders and REI and capped it off with some non-fat frozen yogurt.  It was so good, I want it again.  I have missed ice cream.  I'm on track for a really good week at the WW.  It's needed.  I'm ready to see more progress.  I did not hit any classes over the weekend, but in fairness, I went to Thursday night Zumba with Lorenza (did not like), and I'm hitting Carrie's class again tomorrow.

Oh, and by the way, I'm sure you knew from reading this, I wasn't Raptured, but there was no real danger there anyway.

Lola and I are waiting for Matt to get back from his bike ride - he's going to till my garden - aka The HOT Zone, and I'm grilled steaks.

Life isn't bad, really.


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Songs that remind us of the better times...

Weigh-in Wednesday - down another 1.2 pounds, which, given everything I indulged in this past week, makes me happy.  It's like I told another member tonight, even your bad choices now are way better than your bad choices before.

Remind me of that the next time I start whining.

So, I'm at 33 pounds, and just thisclose to hitting a personally significant goal.  A weight with a 1 as the first number.

Don't do the math.  Don't judge, I beg you.  I was fat, I am now less fat, but still fat.  I am working on it.

For what it's worth, I had no idea how it got that bad.

Unless it was eating to a point of pain every day for the majority of a five year timespan.


And a sedentary lifestyle to boot?  Yahtzee!

Work is interesting at the moment - we have people in sales trying to circumvent the system, and that is annoying.  But my boss (still Denise for now) is on top of it, and isn't taking any shit.

Love it.

And that's really all there is for now.  Time to take Lola out, then bed.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Hi, anxiety!

I don't know if I have mentioned it recently, but I'm kind of an anxious person.  No, really.

So a lot of this manifests in my dreams, and the most recent standard anxiety dream I've added to the roster is Sorority Rush.

I've ended up back at the Sigma Kappa house, and whether I'm my actual age or college age in the dream, I haven't been there in awhile.  I haven't paid dues, I have a pile of mail waiting for me, a list of things I need to know, do and understand, and nobody wants me living with them - because even though I don't know them, they seem to know me.  And they don't like me.

And I have nothing to wear, and the room I'm assigned to is a mess - not just disorganized, but literally like a disaster hit it.

Last night, in a variation on a dream, they sent me out dressed in a Zeta Tau Alpha sweatshirt to sabotage that house. 

Sometimes, I'm planning rush parties for an entire campus worth of sororities and can't find the M&Ms in the right color.  And in the dream, I'm in the dream trying to remember whose colors are which.

So maybe I feel a little anxious.

But why this?  Why not weigh-in dreams, or the losing teeth dreams or the ones where I'm at an airport, or getting to an airport, and I can't read the schedule, or I don't speak the language and I'm running late?

I'm just saying.

I might need to stop spending time at http://www.totalfratmove.com.

So, yeah.

Also, I got a pedicure this evening - Opi's "One El of a Color" - it's cute.  I liked my old color better, but what can you do?

Meanwhile, weigh-in tomorrow and I'm cautiously optimistic. 

The problem is, though - I'm hungry - constantly.  How is that even possible?  I think it may go back to anxiety.

Well, at least everything comes full-circle - even if just in the blogosphere.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Paging Mr. Blackwell!

What I have to re-learn every so often is while the mirror can, from time to time, lie;  the camera simply does not.

Case in point.  I’ve been eyeballing myself at Zumba, in the ladies room, and in every reflective surface I can find, and I think, “Looking, GOOOOOOD, old girl!”

And then, several days ago, we got photos from our company’s anniversary party.

I wore a dress that I bought two years ago, and finally have the ability to wear now without looking like a golf ball in a garden hose.

Or so I thought.

Here’s the backstory.  It was a Casablanca themed party, and Matt had to work late,  so I went home and started to get my frock ready.  My hair was kind of oily, but I didn’t feel like washing it so instead, I threw on a headband.  And I went to find my cute little red slides, but my feet were swollen like fat, fat snausages.  So instead of the red slides, I wedged my fat feet into these strappy nightmare sandals that I always regret wearing.

And I put on some makeup and left.

And after finding a $15 parking space, and clomping three blocks to the party, I found a photographer taking shots on the red carpet of arriving guests.  Note the Rick's American Cafe sign.  Not to be confused with Rick's Cafe Americain.  Details...

So I struck a wicked pose, since I didn’t have a date to the dance, and I felt awkward.

Here’s what I learned:

1. 1. I should have worn my ballet flats.  Yes, they’re on their last legs, but I would have been more comfortable.   Plus, those tiny heels look like they’re about to buckle under my weight.

2. 2. If my hair feels greasy, it probably is.  Shampoo often.  Bigger is better!  Dare to Hair!

3..3. Red lipstick is awesome, but it gives me clown mouth.  Joan Crawford called – she wants her wire hangers back.

4. 4. Loud prints aren’t inherently my best friend.  This one in particular looks a little too zebraesque.

5. 5. The placement of the red band is unfortunate.  No, trust me.

6. 6. When you’re a heavier woman with an hourglass shape, side profile is not your friend.

7. 7. When you don’t have much chin or nose to speak of, side profile is not your friend.

8. 8. Being married is no guarantee that you won’t show up at a party dateless.  It’s really OK.  Embrace your inner awkward.

Other than that though, looking, GOOOOOOD, old girl!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Lap of Luxury

Well, I'll start by telling you, I won the fitness challenge.  By the hair on my chinny chin-chins.  That said, I don't consider the case closed until I have the $250 in my hand.

Initially, Colby didn't place.  Which, as we know, is insane - he lost 27 pounds and 4% bodyfat.

Our CTO, a small man to start with, lost 17 pounds, and since it was a percentage game, he came in first of the guys.  I came in first among the girls, and there was a Coloradoan who came close to me, but I edged her out by a half percentage point, or so.

Which, since she only lost 10 pounds and is bigger than me to start, tells me something is rotten.

They rechecked the numbers and put Colby in 2nd place among the men.  Now, we are still waiting to hear from the judges about Paul, who ranked after Colby, but didn't make the list.  Two guys with lower scores, did.

Something's rotten in Denmark.  So you can see why I hesitated to post.  Plus, as I said, the money hasn't appeared yet...

Also, I lost at WW on Wednesday; 0.2 pounds.   I was glad to get it.

Now, on to better news, and that is to say, I am planning on spending a little money today by getting a massage.  A nice one.  Fancy.  Spa showers, sauna, robes.  Eeeeee!

Matt is shooting all weekend at the Opryland Hotel, and I've been staying with him intermittently and enjoying the amenities the hotel has to offer.  Including a 7PM appointment at Relache Spa, where I'll be getting the Swedish massage. Yeeeeahh!

Much deserved, although I hate to spend the money.  Let's be real, though.  It's not as if I don't deserve a little "atta girl" for all I've done this year.  I'm also entitled to a discount as a "local" so it's not as bad as it could be.

Still, I feel a little guilty for being so indulgent.

But, I'm sure as soon as my ass hits the massage table, I'll feel differently.

I hope.

Either way - no cancellation for same-day appointments, so... oops - looks like I'm getting a massage!

In other news, I am getting a new boss.  Denise's plate is too full, and since it's just me and Jim, we're going to now report to James. Which is equally awesome.  I love them both.

Aaaaand, as it turns out, James, having lived in Atlanta and being a creative person, and Allison, having also lived in and Atlanta and being creative, have some friends in common through improv.  Now tell me that's not super cool!

Love it!

Life is good.  Massages, prizes, adulation, bosses...

Now, I need to rest up for my relaxing evening.

Peace out!


Tuesday, May 10, 2011


Tomorrow is a big day, people… they’re going to finally, finally announce the winners of the Fitness Challenge at work.  I need to practice looking thin and humble and talking about my success.  Not my strong suits.  Ahhahahahahahahaha!

I had a dream last night that I got on the scale at Weight Watchers and I had gained 5 pounds, which caused me to start screaming.  I demanded a re-weigh, but when I got on the scale, I couldn’t keep my balance and kept falling off.

Please leave your interpretations of my dream in the Comments section.  I think it means I feel unbalanced, out of control and anxious.  Apparently I have some concerns about “falling off” my program.

So, that’s awesome.

In other news, I went to the mountains with Dad for a long weekend.  The fact that the house has some damage stinks, but getting to spend a weekend with Dad was terrific.  We had so much fun.  Lola came with us and mostly behaved.  She’s aging, and not gracefully.  It is what it is.  But we did some work, played a little and spent time with  some interesting people.  Plus, Dad planned and cooked dinner – do you know how awesome that is?  So awesome!  I love cooking, but sometimes, enough is enough.

We also got to do a Mother’s Day celebration with Mom – that was fun.  We hit up the Flying Biscuit.  The grits were insane, the biscuits were lackluster.  The cranberry-apple butter?  WOW.

Work is kind of grinding on my nerves.  I am prepping to train on a brand new product, and one week from the day I have to debut this new material, a higher-up in the company wants to rethink the way we train on it – and by we, he means me.

That would have been useful to know six weeks ago when we were designing the training materials.

Oh well.  It is what it is.

I may need a cold beer soon.  Like tomorrow.  After weigh in.   And maybe some hot wings?  A girl can dream. And scream.  And sometimes, both.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

On an index card in my pocket, just waiting...

They haven't announced the winners from the fitness challenge yet, but when they do - I'm ready with my acceptance speech:

Thank you.  No, thank you, I'm humbled.

I would be remiss if I didn’t take this occasion to thank the folks who got me where I am today.

First, I’d like to express my thanks to my wonderful, handsome, kind husband Matt.  This man has loved me through thick and thin and really thick and thinner – and without him, life would be dull and dreary.  His willingness to eat weird recipes with way too much spinach in them has been impressive, his devotion is heart-warming and greatly appreciated.  He’s everything you could want in a mate, and he’s all mine!  He rarely eats the last of something without telling me, and has saved me from myself on many occasions.  Baby, you’re the greatest!

Thanks to my family for their support, and for occasionally offering advice that pissed me off.  Anger burns calories.  Also, thanks for trying the chicken burgers and Popchips.  They were good, I know. Let's let that be it.  Or at least go towards it.

I appreciate my dog, Lola – for getting me up every morning, and for doing enough gross things to squelch my appetite from time to time.  You’re a fine animal, and I’m sorry I lost your cardiac meds that one time.  Remember – money I spend on you, I’m not blowing on dinner…

I’m grateful to my Weight Watchers group – from my leader and her crazy sweaters, to the occasionally flaky weigh-in ladies, to the crazy chubbies  sitting in the studio audience with me – their advice, support and product reviews have been invaluable.   The Laughing Cow Tuna Melt is divine, even if we couldn’t find a Points Plus value for Nutella.  Which probably means we shouldn’t be eating it anyway.

Mad props to GLOZ – the Gorgeous Ladies of Zumba.   We’ve been through several instructors, lots of scantily clad classmates and more renditions of G Slide than I could have ever wanted, but we’ve banded together week after week to sweat, kvetch and encourage. 

Lots of gratitude to my Aqua Fit Saturday ladies.  You may all have similar silver pixie cuts, and wear comparable threadbare black swimsuits, but you are all unique little snowflakes.  And thanks for letting me see you naked in the dressing room.   What a treat!  Time has been unkind to your flesh, but you are young in spirit.

Special thanks to spinach.  Gracias for filling my belly with your fibrous, leafy goodness.  You keep me full and regular.  Thanks to Jell-O for your sugar-free pudding – especially the Dark Chocolate.  Could you put Cinnamon Bun into wider distro?  Thank you, Ole Xtreme Health Tortillas.  Your twelve grams of fiber keep me going!

Laci LeBeau Dieter’s Tea:  You kept me a on my toes, but I’m sure I’ll never forget that special Monday we shared.

I’ll raise my insulated 24 ounce plastic glass to the nice folks at Tervis.  Your stuff is crazy expensive, but without you, I’d be thirsty.  Thanks for the military web discount code.  I should feel ashamed, but I don’t.  My brother-in-law is a Marine, and some day, I’ll buy him a Tervis.

Trader Joe – you are the other man in my life.   You are the meat in my oven, the cookies in my cabinet and the milk in my fridge.  If you know what I mean… What I mean is that you make my life steamy…with your pasta, lentils, turkey meatballs… I could go on.  I won’t.

A shout out to the Bali Bra Company – you support me and lift me up when I’m sagging.  My cup runneth over with gratitude.

Finally, although I started this journey without regard to prizes, fame and adulation, it was the thought of those very things that kept me focused.  And because of that, I have to thank a few special colleagues.

Natae and Sebastian  - you were colleagues first, but you’re my friends foremost.  I appreciate your unflagging support and encouragement.  We have had some good times in the past, and now I’m healthy enough that I can ensure plenty of good times in the future.

Jim – thanks for mitigating my paranoia, sharing your gum, picking lunch destinations that don’t derail me, and most of all for sitting next to me while I was detoxing from sugar, salt, carbs and fat.  That can’t have been fun.  I’m lucky that you lead our elite team of two.   I’m really sorry you have a funny accent, but I’m glad you’re my friend.  GO PREDS!!!!!

Colby and Paul – Well, I knew his first day on the job that Colby and I would be friends.  Thankfully, he concurred.  Paul and I bonded over Mac ‘n’ Cheese at Thanksgiving and have kept the witty banter up ever since.   These two are the reason I have the opportunity to give my acceptance speech today. Creative sabotage plots, bacon-based presents and many, many lunch discussions were the wind beneath my decreasingly flabby wings.  I could not ask for better accomplices.

To the team in charge of this contest, I can only say, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG???  It’s unwise to toy with people who may be undernourished, and/or sugar-deprived and cranky.  Also, next year – publish rules or something so we don’t have to drag it out like we did this year.  Seriously, what a cluster!

To those of you who didn’t win today, do not despair.  Clearly, you just didn’t want it badly enough, lard-asses.  Better luck next time.  And don’t beat yourself up for being a hideous, flabby freak.  I’m sure your mother still loves you.  To put it another way… suck it.

Again, thank you, good health, and good night!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Flaps, Jack.

It's been a good weekend - starting with an early lead-in Thursday night - baseball with Colby, Jim and Diane (and beers, three light beers). As penance, I doubled up at the YMCA on Saturday morning - Aquafit/Zumba  - a one-two punch.  Then we had Indian for lunch (I behaved, I swear) followed by giving up a pint at the Red Cross.

After that, it was haircut time.

I came home with a new cute 'do, rested, then we went to Matt's colleague Michelle's house to celebrate her move to Los Angeles.

This morning, Sebastian came over and we watched Matt's directorial debut, and went out to the Pfunky Griddle for pancakes.  I did OK.  Since I didn't eat breakfast, this meal was a twofer.

My biggest problem this weekend is being surrounded by great food and having to control portion sizes.  It was really hard at Sitar, because I crave curry.  Constantly.

That said, I've behaved as well as can be expected.  But it's 4:10 and I'm ready to eat.  And I want to eat something that will stick with me, and plenty of it.

Plus that 30 pound specter looms before me.

Can you believe, on top of that, I'm still waiting to hear where I stand on the Fitness Challenge.  It ended nearly two weeks ago, and they haven't announced a winner.

Annoying.  Seb told me today he thinks I'll win big.  I'd like that.  At this point, I just want some closure.

I am going to go down for a few days over the weekend and spend time in the mountains with Dad, clearing debris, waiting for insurance adjustors, etc.   I am looking forward to it.

For now though, I need to come up with plans for the rest of my day.  Laundry?  Groceries?  Cooking/cleaning?

It's only fair.