Thursday, September 29, 2011

Parking Lot Discussions - The non-corporate kind...

As you know, I am something of a  Zumba enthusiast.  I just enjoy getting out there, moving to music and feeling good about myself.

I also like the people in my Monday night class – there’s a group of us who are around the same age – five of us in all, who all meet and chat after class.  We talk work, we talk family, we talk about everything.

One of the women wondered last week if any of us had ever done a colon clease.  None of us had.  The general consensus was that the colon was a self-cleaning mechanism.  One woman invoked the horrors of a colonscopy.

From there, we started talking feminine hygiene.  The upshot is that these are unnecessary inventions made to convince women that we’re dirty and disgusting.

And I hate to be like that, but really…

When is the last time you cruised the aisles of the drugstore and saw any of the following:

Professor Tapthat’s Foreskin Salve (Baby Smooth In Minutes!)

Fromunda Exfoliating Scrub

Brothers Brand Ball Soak (Now in Ocean Fresh and Winter Hike)

Balmy Breezes Shaft Spray

Taint Tamer –  Now With More Bleaching Action!

Pubic Pomade (Not a Hair Out of Place!)

Sac So Sweet –“Scrotpourri”

You don’t see these because dudes don’t care if their dicks smell like… dicks.

And so, ladies, I urge you.  Shower, of course – use soap, wear cotton drawers… but don’t give into the urge to add chemicals to something that doesn’t need them.

Also, I have copyrighted the names of all the above products.  Because although they don’t exist…maybe they should.

Hugs.  Kisses.


Friday, September 23, 2011

No way! Way.

I won the radio contest.  I get to program JACK-fm for a day.  They'll rename it Allison-fm in my honor.

I'm beyond stoked.

Apparently, not everyone thinks I should have been the winner - according to some naysayers on Facebook, but my support is mostly positive.

Because as I said when they called me to ask some questions, "There's a fine line between enthusiastic and stalker."

And that, for now.  Is that.

Want to listen to my station next Friday?



Mother of the Year

Lola has been a total pain in the ass for about two days - she woke me up about a half hour ago, being restless and it finally dawned on me that she has an ear infection.

I checked her ears and - yep, bingo.  Did a little cleaning, got the drops, dosed her and gave her 2 benadryl to boot.  She's comfortable.  Finally.

And really, I'm a jackass for not figuring it out sooner.

I've been distracted.

More on that to come in about... 14 hours.

For now, sleep.  Then work.

Then some high-caliber blogging.

It's a good thing I don't have kids.  DFACs would have been here to take them.

Monday, September 19, 2011

She sings the songs that remind her of the better times...

 The problem with having a lot of exciting events come all at once is that when they’re over, they’re over.  And if you’re like me, you have that whole “post event let-down”.  See also, January 2nd of every year.

If you saw my last post, you can intuit that it all began on the 9th.  I won at the State Fair, we had a party at the house the next day, I recovered on Sunday and then Monday, hit the ground running with our User Conference.  Four days – I trained a full day, and taught four sessions throughout the week.  I ended each day socializing, and started all over again early every morning.

And then Friday evening, I went out with my favorite peeps and painted day of the dead skeletons, drank wine and laughed.  Mostly, I laughed.

And then I woke up Saturday morning, depressed.  My boss is back at his home office for the week, several of my friends are on PTO or traveling for work, and I’m back into the day-to-day training, paperwork and all the boring little things that make up an eight hour work day.

So, I need to find some bright spots in the dull…

Well,  I have a birthday coming up – but a minor one in the canon of importance – Halloween is coming – and we have a party to go to.

Tomorrow, we’re having an International Potluck at the office – but only a handful of people have signed up.  I’m bringing Jamaican Jerk Pork.  I bought the Walker Wood sauce at the Farmers Market yesterday.  There's a company meeting next week, and Flu Shots...

I’m trying to win a contest where I run a radio station for a day.  I think my chances are as good as anyone else who entered.  It would be pretty amazing.

I guess that in absence of big things to be excited about, it’s the dozens and dozens of little things that get us through a day, a week, a month, a year.

I’m still feeling a little down.  But as my friends Chumbawumba would tell you, “I get knocked down, but I get up again.  And they’re never going to keep me down.”

Pissin’ the night away,

Saturday, September 17, 2011

This week in pictures...

This is what a winner looks like.
This is what winning jelly looks like.

Saturday Night Soiree - Lola is wearing her party cone and evil eyes. 

Me and my boyfriend, Colby.  His wife Diane asked for a matchy shirt picture,  so it's OK.

Self Portraiture

These nice people spent a whole week with me and they're still smiling in this picture.

My dear friends/colleagues, Natae and James

Face time with my boss, in a wickedly literal sense.  Have I mentioned I really like my boss?

Me and my boss and our skeletons.

Too unique for Junior League!

The finished product, also a personality test.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Annual Press Release

September 12, 2011 - Nashville, TN
For Immediate Release

Nashville resident Allison Everett spent the weekend in celebration.  After five years of entering the Tennessee State Fair, her pepper jelly has risen literally from worst to first.

In 2007, Mrs. Everett entered her pepper jelly into the State Fair and was one of four entrants - the only one without a ribbon.  The following year, she rose to third place, out of six competitors.  In 2009, her jelly again placed third - this time, besting seven other entrants.  

Last year, Everett broke a barrier erected by the Chambers family of Cumberland Furnace Tennessee, and came in second to newcomer Beth DiMaggio. She held a press conference to discuss her long-standing feud against her nemeses, and outlined her plans for Tennessee Pepper Jelly domination.

For several months after, rumors of the end to the Tennessee State Fair circulated.  In early 2011, planners were able to confirm that September would once again bring "A Fair To Remember".

In early August, Allison harvested her habaneros, culled her cowhorns and made a batch of pepper jelly.  It failed spectacularly.  Allison identified her problem immediately – pectin viscosity differential.

"I bought Ball brand liquid pectin because it was so much cheaper than Certo.  I used the Certo recipe, because it's far and away the best - but apparently Certo measurements are not compatible with Ball pectin.  The results are certainly edible - I'll be giving them away as Christmas gifts - specifically to people I don't like as well, but as far as Fair quality canning - Ball let me down.  Their jars are top notch, and with their approved recipe, I suspect it would be a different story."

A second batch was made using Certo a week later and with bated breath, Allison waited for it to jell.  And jell, it did.

"It was still softer than I would have liked, but I was out of time and out of patience.  I could only enter it and hope for the best."

The fair opened on September 9th, and several of Allison colleagues urged her to check out her results that day.  She had intended to wait until later in the weekend, but curiosity got the better of her.  She had told several people to "prepare to be disappointed".  She held out hope that she'd remain in the running for any ribbon, but felt certain she'd spend the next few days eating crow and making fun of her shortcomings.

Allison's tune quickly changed when she saw a blue ribbon attached to her jar.

"I honestly couldn't believe it - I really had to look several times to confirm that I had won."

She began placing phone calls to family members, texting friends, and talking with others who had gathered to view results.  She met the White Ribbon winner for Salsa, and spoke with a man who won ribbons in several entries, including a Blue Ribbon for his pickled mixed vegetables.  They compared notes about their competitors, and agreed that Nancy and Owen Chambers, Marjorie Hoffman and Minnie Fay Huddleston - the darlings of the canning circuit - all needed to be taken down a peg.

After her informal photo shoot/meet-and-greet, Everett drove home feeling proud and excited.

She built a display for her jelly in her Nashville home and will place the winning jar there, along with the ribbon as soon as she is able to claim it on Sunday, September 18th.

But after the initial excitement of her win, and the sheer raucous joy of a Blue Ribbon victory party held at her home on Saturday, she is suffering what has been diagnosed as  Post Jelly Judging Letdown Syndrome (PJJLS).

"I don't have anywhere left to go from here.  Now I'm the one everyone is going to try to beat.  The hunter has become the hunted.  I mean, what's the point, any more?"

Mrs. Everett is planning to take some time away from canning to reflect on her experiences and plot her next move.  

"I'm working on a spec script for Lifetime Movie Network.  I'm in talks with Caroline Rhea play the role of me.  I'd kind of like Joanne Worley and Wilford Brimley to play the Chamberses, but it's up to the execs at LMN, I guess.  Beyond that, well - I still have my job, and I have Matt and Lola [her husband of six years and dog of 12 years],  and you know - I should probably clean out the attic, maybe prune back the rose bush.  I also really need to make a dentist appointment."

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Where have all the theme songs gone?

I've loaned out a lot of good books over the years that I never got back - which reminds me - I've got several I'm holding hostage I need to return.

One I'll never see again was a book of TV Theme Songs which I let Alison Brown borrow in 7th Grade.

Did you know the theme song to Leave it to Beaver had words?  So did the Andy Griffith Show.  Thanks to the sticky fingers of Miss Brown, I'll never know what they were (unless I were to Google it, but whatever).

What makes me think of this is that this morning, I was standing in line at Dunkin Donuts, as I do every Wednesday morning.

Yes, I'm on Weight Watchers, but Wednesday evening I weigh in, so on Wednesday AM, I treat myself to a large iced coffee with skim.  It's filling, it tastes good and it has properties that aid in eliminatory function.  The less said, the better.

So, as I'm standing in line, Dunkin Donuts FM, or whatever they want to call it is blaring the theme song to Laverne and Shirley.  Which is upbeat and catchy and sooooooo dated.  I hadn't ever heard it outside the context of watching Cindy Williams and Penny Marshall - shlmiel/shlimazel their way through the streets of Milwaukee.

The thing is, I know all the freaking words.   I know the words (or for those without words, the tunes) to all of the following classic shows of my youth:

-Good Times
-Carol Burnett
-All in the Family
-The Jeffersons
-Sanford and Son (possibly the greatest show ever)
-One Day at a Time
-Mary Tyler Moore
-Three's Company
-The Addams Family
-Love Boat
-Facts of Life
-Gilligans Island
-Diff'rent Strokes

Funny story about that last one - the title of the theme from MASH is "Suicide is Painless" - when I was in college, my sorority co-opted it and changed the words.  I had a hard time not busting a gut during rush parties where we sang this song.

Now, remember - I grew up in Atlanta, where we had Channel 17.  Perhaps you'd recognize it as TBS.

Back before Ted Turner was a mogul, there was a sweet little UHF channel that showed syndicated awesomeness at five minutes after the hour and half hour.  Plus, all the Braves games you could stand to watch.

So, point of all this being, I really miss TV Theme songs - they don't do them like they used to.

I mean, I did love the instrumental opening for King of the Hill, and the opening for Arrested Development had a jaunty beat that I appreciated.  These days, I watch one sitcom - How I Met Your Mother - the theme song is about long enough for a ringtone.  I wonder if that's intentional?

So thirty years from now, what will they be playing on the loudspeaker at Dunkin?

Well, since I'll still be doing Weight Watchers, I'll let you know then.

Thoooooooose weeeeeeerrrrrrre theeeeeeee daaaaaaaayyyyyyyssssss.

Can I get that engraved on card stock?

So, I sent an e mail last night to some friends, inviting them to the house for a party on Saturday.  Because I think it's pretty funny, I'll share it with you.  If you're reading this and will be in the neighborhood, you should stop by:


All summer I've been threatening to have people to the house, and since summer is fading fast, I needed to hop to it.

So with that in mind:

Who:  You, and her, and him and them.

What:  A shindig (because calling it a party makes my anxiety flare up big time).

When: Saturday, say sixish?

Where: House of Matt and Allison - Nashville, TN.  If you can get to Mafiaoza's, you can get here.

Why:  There are so many reasons... mostly because Matt and I really want to.  Also, because I like you, and therefore want to feed you.  Plus, it's just the incentive I need to clean house (that said, don't scrutinize my efforts too closely).

How: Casually.  I cannot stress this enough.  If you arrive overdressed, I'm sending you to the nearest Goodwill for a pair of cutoffs.

What else:  So, since it's starting to cool off a little, I'll put together some chili with assorted toppings, a green salad to keep me honest, and something sweet, because I want to.  As for adult beverages, we have enough Trader Joe's red wine to go around, and some assorted hard liquor.  Probably a little beer, too.  But I definitely don't mind if your tastes are so specific or copious that they compel you to BYOB.   We have plenty of Tito's vodka in the freezer if you want to go crazy.  We also live near several establishments that sell beer and other malt beverages in convenient 40 ounce serving sizes.

The house is equipped with a large TV and a generous, but not ridiculous cable subscription (HD, yes - HBO, no).  Meaning, if you can't tear yourself away from the game, the game will be here for you.  We also record Project Runway, if you need to catch up.

The house is also equipped with a dog.  Her name is Lola and she is 12.  Do not give her any vodka, now matter how much she begs.  And oh, how she will beg.

Now what:  Although it's a casual gathering, it would be helpful to know if you'll be here so I can panic more efficiently.   Also, while I'd like to invite everyone at the office, I have a small house, plus - I don't know everyone by name and how awkward would that be?  So, I'd ask for your discretion in discussing this soiree publicly.

Questions?  Let me know.