Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Gnu and unusual

Let's see.  What can I tell you?

1.  I have blueberries in the fridge and I'm contemplating throwing them in the bran muffin mix I bought at Kroger to make blueberry bran muffins.  I'm not saying I'm ready to make that commitment, but if I were, I'd do it.

2. I got myself a box of crayons at WalMart this afternoon a Crayola 48 box.  For my office.  Because when I leave town, I like to put a sign on my desk.  Sometimes, even if I don't leave town, I like to leave a sign on my desk.

OHM is a software.  Ponying is when we mess with someone who left their computer unlocked.  I think my pony looks like a black Michael Jackson.  Just saying.
3.  I still love Draw Something.  I know that makes me late to the game, but what other phone app allows you to do this:

Yes, it does look like a big, black cock.  And nothing like Michael Jackson.

4.  I might actually be doing a little more travel in the coming weeks/months.  They've decided to teach me how to train on another software.  This is nothing but great, and although I'm terrified, I'm also excited.

5. Do you know what this means:

No?  How about this, then?

If you guessed it means I don't weed my pepper garden very well, you're right.  However, the correct answer is - it's PEPPER JELLY TIME!  BOOM!  I'm thinking this weekend is the time.

6.  I need to get my hair done.  And by done, I mean colored.  My 20 year reunion is coming soon, and let's be honest - that whole lose 60 pounds didn't really happen, so I'm going to camouflage my weight with decent hair.  Yeaaaah, that'll fool everyone.

7. Today was my last day of antibiotics.  Monday I get on a plane for Las Vegas.  I'm kind of hoping my ear busts open and goo pours out of it.  Remember the ectoplasm from Ghostbusters?  That, that's what I think is in my ear canal. 

8. Matt's birthday is Friday and I have no idea what to do about that. 

9. I wrote the following on Facebook yesterday:

"So, after a brief sabbatical from Zumba, I returned last night to find my instructor wearing Harem Pants (aka Hammer Pants, aka Doo Doo Pants). I spent the first two minutes of class naively thinking she was just a victim of failed Spandex, but then I realized the severely dropped crotch was intentional. I then spent the remaining 58 minutes of class wondering if her ensemble was vintage, or if somebody out there thought it was such an alluring look that it needed a revival. I also worked out, because I'm one hell of a multi-tasker."

10.  Matt just mentioned he'd like to go see Bobcat Goldthwait for his birthday.  So that's easy.

Hang on Sloopy.  Sloopy, hang on. 

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Duck and (re)cover

This was my first weekend at home in over a month, and I was glad to get it.

Yesterday, I went to the Farmers Market.  Today, laundry, housework, groceries and cooking.

In between?  Naps! 

I'm on antibiotics from the ear/sinus thing that has been ongoing since Las Vegas.  I feel like death.

I need another weekend...

But I should tell you - fresh veggies for dinner are tops!

We had chicken, tomatoes, lady peas cooked with jalapenos and onions, green beans.

And a blackberry cobbler for dessert.

It might have been more of a buckle, maybe a slump.

We'll see.

Good night.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Let me hear your body talk...

The Easter that I was in 5th Grade, I received in my Easter basket, a razor. 

Which, upon Googling to find a picture, was first manufactured in 1971, and discontinued after 35 years on the market.  May the Flicker rest in peace.

Now, I should tell you, I was HORRIFIED to find this in my Easter basket.  But, apparently my mother had noticed the small thatch of dark hair growing under my arms and felt it was time to intervene.  I'm sure I'd noticed it, but I'm not sure I had a burning need to get rid of it.  I was supremely embarrassed by this "gift".

I believe it was around the same time I was gifted with deodorant.  Lucky me!

I ended up with a bra within a few months of the Flicker, although I didn't need it, strictly speaking.  I was actually really careless about wearing one until 7th grade, and at that point, it was a full-time thing.  I kind of even needed it. 

My period came about eight months after the Flicker.

But enough about my developemental milestones.  What I really want to talk about is shaving.

I'm terrible at shaving my legs.  I always try to do a good job and then I get out into broad daylight and realize half of a knee is still unshaven.  Or I missed a patch near an ankle.

I had to buy new razors the other day, and I cut a small nick on the left leg first thing.

And that's when I remembered something I've been reading in beauty mags for years.  Since Seventeen and Sassy.  May Sassy also RIP.

They say you shouldn't shave with a dull blade as you're more likely to cut yourself.

To which I say


I cut myself constantly when I shave my legs.  I have permanent chunks missing from various locales all over my legs.  I've cut myself with dull blade and brand new ones equally.  I maintain that the "fresh blades often" mantra that Cosmo, et al. are spouting is really because of a kickback they get from Schick and Bic and Gillette to mention that in every issue.

I am, perhaps a conspiracy theorist on that one.  I don't care.

And I will tell you - expensive razor are really nice, but they don't do that much better than a 99 cent knock-off of the pink Daisy razors I graduated to after the Flicker gave up the ghost.

I should also tell you, that from that point forward, one of the omnipresent stocking stuffers at Christmas was a package of disposable razors.

And I loved getting them.

That's all really.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Why July to me?

More frivolity via e mail.  I sent this out on Friday.  I have a small but loyal group who have agreed to help:


I’d like to thank [Name Redacted] for coming up with what is, let’s face it, a genius idea:

Dipmas in July!!!

Why?  Well, one – because clearly, we’re all wasting away to nothing here.  Emaciated.  That nurse who came in to do the health testing this week was commenting on what a scrawny, puny workforce we are.

Two, because we want to generate a little advance hype.  Thanks to you, and many others last year, Dipmas was an astounding success.  But we need to think bigger.  No, BIGGER.

Here’s where you come in.  We are going to do a single day of Dipmas on July 25th.  One day only – the purpose is to familiarize the newbies with the concept of Dipmas so that come December,  every single one of the 12 Days of Dipmas is literally overflowing with dip.  We may, come this chilly Winter, have to set up a long piece of tarp down the hallway, cover it in  warm queso and pile up tortilla chips at the end – creating the world’s first Dip ‘n’ Slide!

But I’m getting ahead of myself. 

On July 25th, can you participate?  It doesn’t have to be big, it doesn’t have to be fancy.  I just need a small, tasteful and tasty selection of dips to get people excited.

It’s not mission critical, but we wanted to give you the chance to make Dip History.

Let me know.


PS – Please feel to pass this along to anyone you know who has some space on their calendar to make the 25th amazing.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Au Revoir, Salome

If I had to grab a takeaway from today, it would be the reminder that, while the squeaky wheel gets the oil, it does so at the cost of being known as a squeaker.  I'll get to that in a second.

First, let me tell you about Salome.

Stolen from Facebook.*

Here's what I know about her.  She and her husband, and their dogs live in Florida.  She has dogs, which automatically scores points.

She is the CFO of my company, and for the first several years of my employment, she was the only woman in a high level leadership role - which scored a lot of points as well - especially given that she had some real sexist a-holes as counterparts.  I'm still friends with some of those a-holes, but let's call it like we see it.  They would probably admit it.

Salome is always impeccably dressed and coiffed.  She, I believe, is the person who stocked the women's bathroom with nice hairspray.  After using it copiously several times, my guilt got the better of me, and I put in a contribution of some crappy White Rain or Aqua Net - it's been there for over a year, and still has a few good sprays left.  I now use it instead of the good stuff, which would be wasted on my hair.  Let's face it - Elmer's Glue might be my best option.

Although I don't know her well, I've always found her to be a reasonable woman with a sense of humor.  No drama.  Just has her shit together, and keeps it that way.

Now, we recently learned that Salome was calling it quits, and frankly, I don't blame her.  The every other week trips to Nashville probably got old.  Her husband and dogs need her.  I get it.  I'm jealous to report that she's taking a sabbatical and not immediately entering back into the fray.  I hope she enjoys Florida and gets some much needed "Salome Time".

A few months back, we learned that we were moving offices again, and at that time, we also learned that they were planning to take the curvicles with us.

You might have read about that day, here.

Anyway, cut to today. Our quarterly All-Hands meeting.  Salome was giving her last report on the new space (anticipated move in, November/December) and she called me up to the front of the meeting.  She told everyone that she was leaving because I'd been so angry about the curvicles, that she was afraid of me**. And that she was pleased to announce we would be ditching them and getting quad-cubicles instead.

There was much rejoicing, and not just from me.

She then went on to say that I should mention her favorably in my blog.  I looked at her, stunned.

"How did you know I have a blog?", I asked.

She replied, "I have my sources."

It occurs to me that as CFO, she has access to my full name, SSN, permanent record, and probably even knows the last time I pulled up porn at the office - I meant to go to the Dick's Sporting Goods site, I swear.

So, Salome, if you're reading this, well done, Madame.  We thank you for the cubes.  We thank you for the last seven years of service at PureSafety.

Go, run... get out and enjoy your new-found freedom.

And for anyone who is reading this because they heard Salome mention it at our AHOD... welcome.  If you want a sample of what I'm really capable of...

Read the funniest thing I've written in a long time.

*Salome, out of respect of your privacy, I will happily replace this photo with one of your dogs if you'll send it.

**It should be noted - I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Old and unimproved.

Just got back from a long weekend at the cabin (by way of Atlanta).  About 450 miles on the car, and on the driver.

Good time, but I'm still sick, and I still need to recuperate. 

We're headed to the annual canoe trip this coming weekend, so there's that.

I'm going to bed, I'm going to have a good week.

And everything is good.


Monday, July 1, 2013


My trip to Las Vegas was, for the most part, amazing.

I'll get the bad parts out of the way - sinus problems with a cough and earache.  A very scummy hotel and the room was narsty.

Dehydration, with mangled feet and cankles from too much booth time.

The rest of it was amazing.

It's a city with plenty going on.  I ate great food, saw customers, made contacts, had fun with my colleagues and had a few moments of extreme wonderful.

The first instance of extreme wonderful came with a last minute invitation to see a Cirque du Soleil show.  KA.  Sadly, KA made the news a few days later after a performer fell and died.

Me at KA, pre-show and overheated.

Here's what I can tell you about that.  From what I saw, the precautions taken to keep their performers safe and well were impressive - no shortcuts.  And the performers were skilled and completely engaged.  It's a tragic mishap, and I fully believe that the people at Cirque will do whatever it takes from preventing further incidents like this one.

I will tell you, though - it was one of the most beautiful, stunning events I've ever been privy to.  I am honored to have had the chance to see it.

Now, the other jaw-dropper was my tour at Zappos.  I'm going to do a special write up just for that.  It deserves it.

Spoiler alert, though....