Friday, January 29, 2016

Friends, Enemies, Frenemies and Anemones.


I had an brief but interesting exchange this morning.   A friend of mine mentioned that he was taking a break from social media, and he didn't want me to think he was ignoring me.

Well, the thing is - I hadn't felt ignored.  Of all my friends, he's one of the kindest, most thoughtful people I've ever known.  I told him I don't take roll.

And that's basically true.  I will say that a few months ago, I got a mysterious friend request from the friend of a friend.  I felt kind of like it was a surveillance invitation, but I accepted.  And now, that person is gone from my friend list.  When she de-camped, I know not.  But she got whatever intelligence she needed and no mas. 

But the only reason I kept tabs on this is because it was really, really weird.

Anyway, I think it's exceptionally kind of my friend to let me know why he's been/will be absent.

Which makes me sad, because I think of people who have been far less kind in my life.  "Friends" who have been thoughtless or outright mean.  Enemies.  Frenemies.

And the of course, anemones:




Thankfully, the weekend is nigh.  I can relax, go watch some hockey and maybe eat one really lovely decadent meal with some more friends.

I think maybe I should be grateful for the good friends that are out there.  Don't stress about the mysteries, the enemies, the frenemies and the anemones (land or sea).


See?

ae

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Look Around, Look Around!

The weird thing about not eating your feelings is that it means you have to deal with the feelings some other way.  Like, by having them.  And exposing everyone in your path to said feelings.

Which means that sometimes, you're going to cry from the second you get in your car til you get home from your evening commute.

And then twenty minutes later, you'll be laughing.

The comedian, Jeff Garlin once said he ate Pop Tarts raw to push down the feelings. 

Well, I'm off the Pop Tarts.  Although, I liked the cherry ones and the brown sugar ones too... raw, of course.

(To push down the feelings)

I'm not saying I'll never eat another Pop Tart.  So now, I'm dealing with all the damn feelings.

Sad, mostly.  I'm seeing some friends disconnect - either they're moving, or we aren't really talking like we used to, or... whatever.  My social landscape is different than it was a year ago.  Not better, not worse... different.   I'd settle for better.

I'm dealing with a new manager, and one who likes to over-complicate and over-communicate.  I want to tell him, "Look, I've done this job with relative success for nearly nine years.  I'm a grown. intelligent, professional woman and not a half-wit or a child."  If you think you have to create a Candy Land board out of every metric you can lay your hands on, so be it.  But I need less from you.  Much. Much. Less.

The house is a mess, and that's at least 50% on me.  I just don't feel like dealing with the mountain of laundry.   We have clean clothes, healthy meals and we aren't in danger of being condemned.  If I need to delay having an organized closet, I will.

Although, I think I'd be happier if the house was clean, and if I were happier, I'd more likely clean house.

I may need to discuss this with my GP at my annual physical tomorrow.

ae


Monday, January 25, 2016

Define your terms

Today, I went to the doctor for my annual ladyparts exam.  Which is never fun.

They let me know that I can no longer expect to receive a mailed notification of exam results, but now need to sign into a Patient Portal to get them.  This is for my convenience, they say.

Actually, receiving a post card was actually super convenient, didn't require a computer and didn't necessitate me remembering another password.  So that sucks.

It also sucks that when I went online to do this, the page is broken.  I have an e mail into their customer support.

I was also asked to fill out some forms, which is fine.  One of them included a list of symptoms asking if I was currently experiencing any of them.  One of the symptoms was "Excessive Anger".

Well, define "Excessive".  I am so over it with work right now I can't see straight.  New Manager means new protocol, new quirks, new bullshit.  And don't tell me it's business as usual, because all the new is disruptive.  

So, no, I think my anger is justified.  So I didn't circle that one on the form. Or any of them.  Because let's be honest, if it doesn't involve my ladybits, they don't give a flying fuck in a rolling doughnut.

And based on the stellar customer service of the Broken Portal, they don't seem to give a fuck even if it does affect my ladybits.


So... excessive?  Nope, every single bit of my anger feels completely righteous.

But there wasn't a blank on the form for Lots And Lots Of Justifiable Anger.

Which is too damn bad.

ae

Saturday, January 9, 2016

(M,S,Gl)ad

I had a massage today, because my shoulder and lower back were tweaked.  It was good, but at the same time, it knocked loose a bunch of toxic sludge inside of me.

And let's be completely honest, there was already some sludge floating around in there.  I've been nearly a week without cookies, candy, pastries, chocolate, dessert...basically sugar.  And I LOVE sugar.   So while I'm in reduction mode, I'm also superduper cranky.

I mean, don't get me wrong - I've had a few diet drinks with artificial sweetener.  I ate a half a piece of pita bread today, and a cornbread muffin earlier in the week.  I'm eating plenty of fruit.

But no fast food breakfasts, candy bars, greasy cheeseburgers, cake, or basically anything that I tend to lean on when I'm agitated.

In fact, I've managed to avoid potatoes and pasta.  And very, very little bread - and what I did eat was whole grain, with two exceptions (see above).  Less cheese than I'm accustomed to.

So, you know, that's good.  I mean, these are all good things.  But there are moments where I just think, you know, fuck it - I'm going to eat a whole fucking bag of M&Ms.

But I won't. Even though we have one.  It's on a high shelf were I can't get to it.  I threw it there so that I couldn't just  rip off a corner, tip my head back and pour them down my throat until the bag was empty.


What would that accomplish, though.  It wouldn't make me happier.  It wouldn't make the people who don't get what I'm saying suddenly get it together.  It wouldn't clean my house or fold my laundry or do anything but taste good for about 5 minutes.



I need to take up football.


Fuck this, I'm trying to deal with a non-hunger problem by obsessing about food.

You know what, I'm pissed off at a friend of mine.  I've been pissed off since, let's say November, and it's not getting any better, and every time I put effort into our friendship, I'm disappointed.

So I need to realize that my investment is not yielding a payoff, and that I could eat a bag of M&Ms, but that's not going fix anything.

And I need to let this friend go, or at least set my expectations waaaaaaaaaay lower, and, as we said in college... FIDO.

Which stands for

Fuck
It,
Drive
On.


My Fido.


ae


Friday, January 8, 2016

Here Comes Your 19th Nervous Breakdown

One year ago, almost to the day, I had what I consider a complete meltdown.

We had our weekly departmental meeting, and I, consumed with fatigue, grief and, let's face it, anger, lashed out during the meeting.  Several days later, I'd have to eat a little crow with my boss over it, but at the time, it felt justified and righteous.  And honestly, as it turns out, I was right about some things.  More on that in a minute.

I got in my car that night and called our Employee Assistance Program to freeform bitch a little about everything that was bothering me, and I remember telling the guy (Dave?) that I wanted a dog, and that a dog would solve EVERYTHING.

I was agitated in this meeting because we had been told that or 98% of the goal wasn't good enough, and that we didn't celebrate partial victories.  My immediate thought was that I got on a flight to Anchorage the week after my father died and that the big boss could kiss my fat, grief-stricken ass.

The other irritant is that the company made a ton of changes right at the first of the year and we were told to just keep working and not let the changes derail us, because they didn't really mean anything to us personally.  To which I said, "Then what's the point of making changes if they don't in some way mean something." I also prophesied that the changes weren't going to fix anything and that we'd be in the same meeting next year with more changes.

Or something like that.  I kind of lost my shit.  I was in a lot of pain.  And as they say on afternoon headshrink talkshows, "Hurt people hurt people."

Anyway.  I remember clearly crying in rage and frustration in my car to Dave, who basically told me that they weren't going to fire anyone incompetent, even if they deserved it, and that I did not need to get a dog.

So, here we are, a year later. 

I got a dog.  She didn't solve everything.  But damn if she doesn't love me and give me a daily dose of joy.

I got a therapist.  He's helped me get through a year without  beating anyone senseless. 

They did not fire anyone incompetent, and guess what!?

Here we are a year later, and we're just doing another fruit basket turnover.

So, I was right.

Which...

Again, we were told to just keep working, that nothing has changed.


Fool me once, motherfuckers.  Suck it, Dave.

I'm going home to pet my dog.

ae


Friday, January 1, 2016

Nouvelle

Happy 2016.

I spent New Years' Eve downtown with Matt, Jim and Gary, and 149,996 other people.  It was ridonk.  Super crowded, but lots of fun.  I used Hilton points and we got a great room with a killer view.

Today, I dealt with the hangover that comes, not from alcohol, but from not sleeping enough.  Basically, we got downtown around seven, had a few drinks, went walking around on Broadway, went back in and got more drinks, went back out for the Note Drop and fireworks.

Note Drop?

Sure... it's Nashville.


After the note drop, we went to the room for a bit - then Jim and Gary took me to the house to check on Piper.  They went  home, and after I got her settled I went back to the hotel to get some sleep.  Not much sleep, but hey - free hotel.

I need to come up with my resolutions for 2016.

I have them in mind. 

Basically, here we are:

I want 2016 to be a year of taking care of myself.   2016 will be a year of acting with purpose.
2016 will be a year of deliberate change.

So.  Here we go.

ae